Unforgotten Embrace
by DarkRose Dilettante
Summary: Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire. They have always been crying the same tears.


**Hello there~! I have written this very, very long fic about Shinku and Suigintou sort of finally reconciling. The setting is post-Traumend, and basically Suigintou is sick of fighting and doesn't want to put any further strain on Megu's health (I don't really explain it in the fic so I migth as well just tell you now for the sake of it). So she moves in with Shinku and the others to make peace with the other dolls.**

**There are also some flashbacks that refer to Ouverture, just a warning to those who haven't seen it.**

**Well, there's nothing much left to say, I think. Hope you enjoy this, and tell me what you think because after I wrote this I read through it and thought maybe it wasn't convincing enough? I dunno...**

**Enjoy! :D**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Rozen Maiden or any of its characters. Wish I did, though ;P**

* * *

**_Unforgotten Embrace_**

"_Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire."_

_~ Kurt Tucholsky (German satirical Essayist and Poet, 1890-1935)_

* * *

She can't sleep.

Suigintou stands on the sill of Jun's bedroom window, gazing restlessly up at the pale, silver-haloed moon. Sighing, she lays a hand upon the cold glass, trying to find some way to distract herself from this inner chaos.

It has been four days. Four whole days since she has moved into the Sakurada house, and four whole nights with not a single wink of sleep. Not that Suigintou really needs it; after all, she _is_ the only Rozen Maiden who is powerful enough to be able to fight even without a medium. Sleep is one of those things that is unnecessary, but is good to have anyway, like how humans eat vegetables, or exercise.

And it isn't really the insomnia that is bothering Suigintou right now; rather, it is the cause of it, which she is currently trying very hard to avoid looking at. It seems inevitable, after a few moments of staring edgily out the window, the silver doll finds her eyes sidling back to the far side of the room, as if drawn by some unseen force.

A case, within which slumbers the fifth doll of the Rozen Maiden. Shinku.

Suigintou stares at the case for some time, her expression changing every few moments. First a cold, hard glare, and then her brow knots in confusion and frustration, before her pale features finally settle into a softer, sadder, almost wistfully pained look – one which she shows only when no one is there to see it. It would be hard for most to believe, that the first Rozen Maiden doll, known for her cold cruelty and ruthlessness, is capable of showing such a delicate, vulnerable face. But then, it is only to be expected that Suigintou had long ago decided that she would not allow such emotion – such _weakness_, to be visible upon her countenance.

Because once, a long time ago, she had shown such a face to someone, and the result of that had been nothing but a broken heart. And then, over the centuries, all the little pieces had been further stepped on over and over, all the little broken fragments crushed and crushed some more, again and again and _again_…

Because she was nothing more than a _broken _doll, a _worthless _piece of _junk_, and Shinku would never give in to a piece of _junk_ like _her_…

That intense agitation – the inner turmoil that had been chasing away her sleep – is suddenly creeping up on her again, and Suigintou clenches her fist, feeling tempted to tear something to shreds. She wants to roar and rampage across the room until she has no more energy to waste, no more voice to scream. But she doesn't. She is no longer that bitter, temperamental doll. She has come to the Sakurada house honestly looking for peace with her sisters, and she has enough self control to not ruin it with an impulsive, thoughtless act of violence.

Instead, Suigintou steps off her perch on the windowsill and floats aimlessly around the room as if trying to shake off her restlessness with movement. Before long, she has stopped doing that too, and without even realising it, she is sitting a metre or so away in front of Shinku's case with her knees drawn to her chin, her expression once again troubled and somewhat helpless. Normally, had she been this sitting this distance from the fifth doll, she wouldn't be sitting here quietly watching her sleep – she'd be trying to mercilessly slaughter her sister. She feels lost, uncertain of what exactly she is doing.

It isn't until a few moments later that she realises with shock that her cheeks and eyes are slightly moist. Hastily, she wipes her face dry, only to find even more tears start to form and spill over her eyes. It has been so long since she'd last cried that Suigintou has almost forgotten what it feels like. And she wonders why now, of all times, she simply can't stop.

It is like a tidal wave; a sudden, overwhelming, inexplicable _emotion_ that threatens to consume her entirely. Before Suigintou even realises it, she is trembling all over, her shoulders shaking, small, breathless sobs escaping her lips. Horrified, the silver doll claps both hands to her mouth, trying to stifle the sounds she is inadvertently making. She is suffocating, everything is pressing down on all sides around her, she can't breathe, she can't speak, she is going to drown in this…

Her silent panic is momentarily disrupted as the soft click of a case lid opening punctures the still night. She freezes.

"Suigintou?" It is Shinku, sitting up in her case, one hand raised holding up the lid, the other on the floor of her case, propping herself up. A mildly concerned look crosses her features. As if by magic, that overpowering emotion melts away when Suigintou meets the calm blue of Shinku's eyes, instead replaced by a dull throbbing, and, swallowing her tears, the silver doll hurriedly gathers her composure.

"What is it?" she half-snaps, almost bitterly.

Shinku seems to hesitate for a moment, and her eyes shift down and to the side, as if unsure of what to say. As if she secretly knows but is reluctant to say it aloud. Suigintou's eyes narrow.

"Would you like to sleep with me?" The crimson doll's voice is so soft Suigintou thinks at first that she misheard it. The question hovers in the air between them, as if waiting for an answer itself.

"What?" Suigintou asks in a tone that matches Shinku's. "What did you say?"

Shinku flinches, as if she had expected Suigintou to suddenly start screaming at her. The blonde's eyes flick back to her sister's face, her gaze kind and sad.

"Would you like to sleep in my case?"

The silence wears on, but it is not heavy, awkward, nor pressing. Suigintou looks as if she could take forever to answer, and Shinku looks as if she is ready to wait forever for that answer. After what seems like an eternity, Suigintou stands wordlessly and walks over to the case. Shinku lets the lid swing fully open, and shifts over right up against the side of her case to make room for the other doll.

It is a tight fit, but Rozen had made the cases just big enough to barely fit two dolls. It is not particularly unusual or unheard of for sisters to share a sleeping chamber. After all, Souseiseki and Suiseiseki did it regularly. But since Suigintou is rather big, and whilst Shinku is smaller, she is not Hina-sized, so they spend a few moments adjusting their positions a little awkwardly. Shinku removes her bonnet, setting it on the floor beside her case to make more room inside. Even like that, Suigintou finds herself pressed up firmly against the blonde.

She wonders if Shinku remembers.

* * *

"_What about her?" Sara points to the far corner of the room. The blonde doll turns to look. There, in the dim shadows where the light can't quite reach, sits a silver-haired doll hunched up in the corner. _

"_Suigintou, it is time to sleep."_

"…"

"_Do you not have a case to sleep in?" _

_The silver doll silently shakes her head._

"_Would you like to sleep with me?"_

_Shinku's eyes are tender._

"_Would you like to sleep in my case?"_

_She still hasn't quite got the hang of walking, so the smaller doll almost has to carry her. As they lie pressed up against each other, Shinku wonders what she is doing, and why she has suddenly, inexplicably, wrapped her around the doll lying beside her._

_Suigintou's eyes widen in surprise, and her lips tremble as if she's about to start crying again, but she buries her face in Shinku's shoulder and hugs the blonde back._

_Of course, Shinku thinks, practically speaking, they both have more room if they lie closer together like this. But it doesn't explain the feeling that is warming her from the inside, melting away the cold façade she has put up around herself. And Shinku smiles her first real smile since before the Alice Game, and whispers to the silver doll._

"_Because you are a good child."_

_Perhaps to tell Suigintou that she is no longer alone. _

_Perhaps to tell herself she is no longer alone._

_No longer unloved._

_Her dreams tonight are not of Father._

* * *

She has been lying like this, wide awake for some time, staring into Shinku's sleeping face. The blonde doll had dropped off to sleep some time ago, but Suigintou remains alert.

_The saddest thing in the world…_

She wonders if Shinku remembers, from so very, very long ago, how they used to sleep like this, in each other's arms even in whilst dreaming.

…_is loving someone who used to love you._

And despite herself, Suigintou finds the tears rising up in her eyes like this sudden throbbing ache that has swelled up in her chest, this pain, stinging hurt that resonates through her whole being, that sends shivers down her spine and makes her feel so cold, so very cold…

_All those moments will be lost in time…_

Her shoulders are shaking again, and she can't stop this uncontrollable wave of pure _heartache_ that just overwhelms her completely. The tears run down both cheeks, two bitter rivers of salt that she tries futilely to stop, pressing her palms into her face, wiping away drop after endless drop.

…_like tears in the rain._

And then, suddenly, miraculously, there is another pair of hands other than her own; smaller, warmer hands, that clasp around hers. She blinks through the stream of tears to find a pair of tender blue eyes illuminated in the moonlight. Like that night, one of the first in the millions of nights in her life, when two dolls fell asleep in one another's arms, no longer alone, no longer unloved.

_The heart that can no longer love passionately…_

"Shinku…" Suigintou whispers, trying to sound as if there's nothing wrong, as if she's not crying, but instead it is the voice she has not used for centuries, a wavering, aggrieved, almost fearful tone that seems as if it is about to break and fall apart. "…I'm not…not…"

…_must with fury hate._

Shinku places both hands on the sides of Suigintou's face and brushes away the tears with her thumb. Her blue eyes are almost silvery. She smiles, and her face is the same as the one locked in the deepest, most secret part of Suigintou's memory. A single memory she can't forget, even through the bitterness and the hatred and the anger.

"_Because you are a good child."_

And then Suigintou breaks.

Because she can't take any of this for a single moment longer, because she once loved Shinku easily as much as she loved Father, and no matter how much hatred, how much loathing, she accumulates over time, in the end there is nothing she can do because she still feels exactly the same. She cannot un-love Shinku. She cannot erase what has been, and still is, ingrained so deeply in her.

* * *

_The shears come sweeping at her, faster than the eye can see, and suddenly it hurts everywhere, she's falling to the ground and can't see anything…but her eyes focus on that face which had held such kindness and warmth before, that beautiful, perfect face that could become Alice…_

_She didn't know such a kind face could look so cold and uncaring – this isn't Shinku, this isn't her Shinku, but she thinks that maybe if she calls out Shinku will come back, Shinku will smile gently down at her and make this pain go away, maybe her face will soften again, maybe she'll hold her and smile like before…_

_But she doesn't, and Suigintou screams for Shinku again and again and again, but the blonde just averts her eyes and turns her back on the silver doll, and Suigintou sinks ever deeper into the darkness that finally consumes her whole._

_Did becoming Alice mean more to Shinku than she did?_

_Did she really mean nothing at all to her?_

_Even in the cold darkness, Suigintou believes the warmth of Shinku's arms was real. _

* * *

_She has a Rosa Mystica now. Even she, the unfinished doll, is worthy of becoming Alice now. She wants to show Shinku. She wants Shinku to smile in wonder and laugh and clap along with her like the way she did when Suigintou first learnt to walk. She wants Shinku to pat her on the head and say she is proud of her, that Father is proud of her, that now she will definitely be able to meet him…_

_But she doesn't._

_Shinku almost looks angry. Her eyes are hard, no longer gentle sky blue but the dark, stormy colour of the tumultuous ocean during a tempest. She tells Suigintou in that harsh, cold voice that she is not a Rozen Maiden. She cannot become Alice. She cannot meet Father. _

_She is junk._

_Nothing but junk._

_It is as if the sky has come crashing down on her. As if the world is cracking, falling apart right in front of her eyes. An intense pain that pierces her chest, rage, blinding rage, and this pain, it hurts so much, even more than Souseiseki's shears…_

_She wants to scream and tear Shinku to pieces. She wants to cry and fall into Shinku's arms. She wants to rip off that cold, angry look off Shinku's face. She wants to shred that word to oblivion._

_Junk._

_Worthless junk._

_Shinku thinks of her as nothing but junk. She doesn't love her. She doesn't care about her. It was all an act. Lies._

_And what hurts her most is not that she has been told she cannot be Alice, that she cannot meet Father, but that Shinku is the one calling her junk. Shinku, whom she loved equally as much as Father, tells her she is a worthless piece of trash. It is almost as bad as if Rozen himself said those words._

_What hurts her most is that Shinku doesn't love her._

_What hurts her most is that Shinku won't smile at her anymore. She won't hold her hand as she walks. She won't teach her to make tea. She won't fall asleep in Shinku's warm embrace anymore._

_She is alone. _

_Unloved._

* * *

_Does she destroy the brooch because she hates how Father treasures Shinku like that or because she hates how Shinku treasures Father?_

_The Shinku standing before her, furious, dishevelled, on the verge of tears, is not hers, not the Shinku she knows. Her Shinku would be smiling and stroking her head and whispering soft words of praise. She will destroy this Shinku. She will crush her and become Alice. She will meet Father and prove that she is not junk. She is not broken._

_She will show Shinku that she is worthy of being loved._

* * *

"I…hate…you…" Suigintou barely manages to hiss through her tears. Shinku doesn't even say a word, she merely looks sad for a moment, and touches Suigintou's cheek again.

"You don't know how much…it hurt…you don't know...you have no idea…how much I want to crush you…how much I want to just…_hurt_ you…" The silver doll can barely speak between her tears and the constricting pang in her chest. "…you have no idea…how much I _hate_…absolutely _hate_…" she breaks off, breathing with difficulty. Shinku does not say a single word.

_Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time…_

"…you don't know…the pain of being lied to…the pain of being betrayed…when Souseiseki…you just stood there…you didn't do anything…even though it hurt so much…I was calling and calling…and you didn't even…"

…_it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable._

"…even when I…I honestly…I hate you…more than anything else in the world…for making me love you…when you didn't even…I am not…junk…I can be Alice…Father told me…I can see Father too…I…can be…loved…too…" she glares at Shinku, but her eyes aren't angry. They are desperate.

_They may forget what you said…_

Shinku wrapped her arms around Suigintou's head, and the silver doll relented, burying her tear-stained face in Shinku's shoulder, that achingly familiar way, even after all this time.

…_but they will never forget how you made them feel._

"Suigintou, is it too late to forget about the past and move forward together?" Shinku asks quietly. Suigintou doesn't reply, but then it isn't as if Shinku is expecting an answer. She sighs.

"I may have been colder and prouder back then, Suigintou, and even though I abandoned you, even though I betrayed you…" Shinku's voice wavers slightly. "…even though I lied to you…I believe I did love you…I believe I honestly loved you, sometime, somehow…and it took me all this time…making you hate me…losing you…to make me realise that…I still love you, Suigintou."

Because the Rozen Maiden are flawed, imperfect; because Shinku is too proud and Suigintou is too bitter.

_Better by far you should forget and smile…_

Because they need to learn how to forgive.

How to love and be loved.

…_than you should remember and be sad._

"If there is someone there to call your soul back, you cannot be called junk. You are not junk, Suigintou, because you will always find someone who loves you. Because I love you, and Megu loves you, and our sisters love you…wherever you go, whatever you do or say, you are not junk…because you are Suigintou. Even if you were to lose an arm or a leg, even if Father hadn't fixed you, it would not be any different to me…because you are someone who is very important to me…you are the one I taught how to walk, the one I taught how to brew tea…because you are the one I used to hold in my sleep…and you are the one I am holding at this very moment…and you were the first one I learnt to love…"

And then, all of a sudden, Shinku finds that even she herself, is starting to cry, and she smiles because however much hurt she's caused Suigintou, they are crying together now.

They do not do anything, they just cry.

Simple tears shed because of old, sensitive wounds that are still raw even after centuries. The pain is still there, but maybe Suigintou can remember the happiness that was there too.

_Being happy doesn't mean that everything's perfect…_

Perhaps Suigintou is no longer alone.

No longer unloved.

Never unloved.

_It means you've decided to look beyond the imperfections._

Their dreams tonight are not of Alice, not of Father, not of loneliness, hatred nor fighting.

Two dolls with centuries of enmity between them, who have felt the bitter sting of loneliness, known the harsh taste of hatred, who have lost much and now gained even more.

They fall asleep in each other's arms, bathed in the silver light that falls through the window, of the moon and stars scattered across the night sky like millions of sparkling teardrops.

And when they wake up they won't be able to tell apart their tears because they have been crying the same ones all along.

* * *

**Ehhh...hope that wasn't too long for you :) Was it a bit unconvincing or confusing? **

**Please review and tell me what you think. XD**

**Lotsa love,**

_**~cherryblossomroses~**_

**_"Thou art to me a delicious torment."  
_****_- Ralph Waldo Emerson_**


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